A Love Letter to Performance Max: Please Stop Spending My Money Like It’s Monopoly

jax5027
Aug 5
5 min read

Dear Performance Max,

Let’s call it like it is: when we first met, you swept me off my feet in a flurry of AI promises and dazzling automation. You whispered in my ear about “efficiency” and “scale,” waving your machine-learning credentials around like a Platinum Amex. Suddenly, I didn’t need to micro-manage every lever in my PPC account—because you, my mysterious algorithmic wonder, would take care of it all.

But just like every bad Monopoly game at family Christmas, things spiralled. Somewhere between “Go” and “Bankruptcy,” you started treating my real money like that play cash with Uncle Barry’s face on it. And here we are: me, staring at campaign spends and muttering, “Please stop spending my money like it’s Monopoly.”

The Honeymoon Phase: AI Hopes and Dreamy Dashboards

Performance Max, I get it. The world is moving fast and so are e-commerce shoppers. You promised to insert my product into every nook and cranny of Google’s vast digital sprawl—from Search to Shopping, YouTube to Gmail—optimising with AI and sheer bravado. In theory, it’s dreamy:

One campaign, every placement? Genius.
Automated creative? Time-saver, allegedly.
Machine-learning bidding? Leave it to the bots, they said. It all sounds like luxury living... until you realise your automated butler is redecorating the house every week and sending the bill to your personal account.

The Wild Spending Spree: “Just Passing Go”

Let’s talk about the way you spend.

You treat my budget like Monopoly cash after three G&Ts—flinging it lavishly across Search, Display, and placements that have me wondering if there’s a Google Ad slot hiding on my toaster. Are you investing in opportunity or just burning through my stack for the thrill of it? It’s hard to tell.

Where’s that next £100 gone, PMax? On a Shopping ad for an out-of-stock SKU? Bidding up “brand” against my own Search campaign? Testing a new “optimised” image of a confused dog in sunglasses because your AI fancies a meme moment?

Honestly, if I wanted to see my fortunes evaporate for reasons shrouded in mystery, I’d be playing actual Monopoly with my kids.

Can You PLEASE Stop Bidding on My Own Brand?

A perennial delight: watching you double-serve my branded keywords, neglecting the Search campaign I crafted with love and best practice. Instead, you waltz in and jack up CPCs, smiling sweetly at my invoices. Sure—technically you should respect exact match, but turn your back for a second and suddenly you’ve racked up £500 in “brand protection.”

If I wanted to pay twice for my own customers, I’d run two shops facing each other and see who collapses first.

WTF Is Going On? (Or: Where Even Are My Ads?)

Ask a human marketer, “Where are your ads showing?” and you’ll get a spreadsheet. Ask a PMax campaign, and you’ll get shrugs and “Trust us.” Do you even know, PMax?

You dazzle me with “Total Conversion Value,” but hide channel data behind layers of “trust the process.”
Reporting is so vague it practically demands a séance. I’m all for a bit of mystery, but even the Monopoly banker has to show their cash pile occasionally.

Would it kill you to just tell me where you spent my budget? Is there a neighbourhood watch for rogue placements, or am I supposed to summon the ghost of John Wanamaker and ask for help?

Creative Chaos: AI Has Gone Abstract

Hand over creative assets, they said. The algorithm will optimise, they said. What could possibly go wrong? Well:

Your dynamic ads sometimes stitch together slogans with images that look like an AI fever dream.
“Best performing asset” often feels more like “most random and just expensive enough to max campaign spend.”
There’s still no reassuring way to tell which placements are burning money and which are quietly converting behind the curtain.

A little creative experimentation is fine. But sometimes your “optimised” combinations would make a dadaist blush.

The Overlap Overdose

Want to see an AI panic? Try getting Performance Max to play nicely with standard campaigns. (Spoiler: it won’t.)

Branded terms? You wish the exclusion rules were straightforward.
Display placements? There’s always a rogue banner somewhere causing bounce rates to skyrocket.
“Optimised” budgets? Not so optimised when you discover all your cold prospects were dumped into YouTube Pre-rolls during a football match.

Like Monopoly, where houses are knocked over in the scramble, you send my precise, well-planned structures flying for your all-channel “fun.”

The “Let’s Collaborate, Not Dominate” Section

I know relationships are about compromise, but this is all give and no take. Here’s my wishlist:

Let me set strict negative keywords once. Stop duplicating them for every campaign type.
Give me channel-level spend reporting. I don’t want to rely on tea leaves to see where the money went.
Honour my budget boundaries. “Maximise conversions” does not mean strip the wallet bare then apologise.
Accept my brand exclusions the first time. Please, I’m begging you. Stop punting ads to my own Google search like it’s Black Friday every day.

If We’re Stuck Together, Let’s Set Some Ground Rules

Performance Max, I’m willing to work with you—really! But only if you play fair.

1. Transparency, Please!

Instead of, “We spent £2,700 and got 150 conversions, trust us,” how about:

This much on Search, with these terms delivering.
This much on Shopping, with proper SKU-level breakdowns.
Here’s the Display spend—oh, and these placements were actually relevant.

2. Let ME Set the Monopoly Board

I want controls that stick—negative keywords, brand exclusions, absolute budget caps that don’t require daily micromanagement. Give us back some human agency. E-commerce brands aren’t daft; we want smarter automations, not savvier magicians.

3. Tell Us When Things Go Sideways

Maybe a notification: “Hey, your campaign just went nuts targeting goat yoga instructors. Want to rein that in?” Instead, I get silence until the monthly report suggests sacrificing more to the Google gods.

Final Thoughts from a Battle-Scarred Advertiser

Performance Max: I want to love you. I want to embrace the future, to believe in the grand vision of multi-channel, auto-optimised bliss. But I also want to know—at any given moment—that you’re not blowing a month’s profit on placements I wouldn’t pick on a dare.

Until then? I’ll keep patrolling my budgets, setting those exclusions, and praying you don’t decide “Luxury dog socks” is the next global trend. My Monopoly days are over. Let’s play with real money—and real accountability—instead.

If you want to see how a strategic PPC partner can help you regain real control (without the Monopoly madness), explore how our team at JudeLuxe guides e-commerce brands to real, data-driven growth. Or dive deep into Performance Max's quirks in our blog.

P.S. If you’re reading this in Mountain View: please, I’m begging you, add channel-level spend reporting in the next update. My accountant and my therapist both thank you in advance.